Because I think nothing gets cleared up properly
OK. Three or four weeks ago, everyone knows that Chris's girlfriend Sara (or Sarah or whatever it isn't important) broke up with him. Now there are all sorts of rumors about why this and did you know that, and I really don't care. Now, know that Chris was dumped by the love of his life. And also know that Chris found out that he had been dumped three days later, and not from Sara. His response to this was not accusatory, but thoughtful. He reacted in a very adult manner (unlike some of Chris's and Sara's friends, though the commentary was quite entertaining, and as for my own contribution, I found it liberating to degrade the girlfriend's writing style (yes, I know, *gasp*, way below the belt). ) The one flaw in Chris's actions is him not discussing his greivances with Sara directly, but there were indeed stories about unanswered phone calls that may explain this. I can only hope that he explored this pathway of communication completely before bringing his arument into the public forum. In this case, I believe his public expression was quite appropriate, since this was apparently the only way he could bring his views to the table and finally come to a resolution with Sara. SO. After the verbal abuse and a measured amount of whiny dramatic reactionary statements, everything has been worked out. The story has come to a close and we all move on.
A very wise woman once asked a group of teenagers, "What is the most important thing in a relationship?" Answers included trust, love, caring, dedication, and other amiguous emtional whatever. The most important thing in a relationship is COMMUNICATION. Love is unimportant in a relationship if you do not communicate that love. So, with this in mind, I would like to come to my point: Chris isn't stupid. He understands English. He can carry on a conversation. He would understand what Sara meant if she had said, "Chris, I do not want to continue in this relationship. I have been with you for a year, and I have decided that I would like to see other people (or I cannot continue having a relationship with you while you are in Norman and I am in Edmond... or I do not want to grow up, marry you, and have to be shadowed by your brilliance.... or I realized that you are weird and you smell funny... whatever drove her to break it off). So since Chris obviously did not catch this drift, one can assume that indeed Sara did not say these words or anything so obvious. So after a not-so-explicit exchange, Chris is dumbfounded when Sara hangs up on him and he learns from a third source that his strong, meaningul relationship ended last weekend.
So, people. The lesson:
1) Have enough confidence in yourself and respect for others to say what you mean in the most explicit terms possible.
This step is preemptive. If you follow this, there is no muddle, no misunderstanding, and *hopefully* no conflict. This does not mean you have to be harsh, but just don't be vague. "Your ideas are profound, but your grammar is terrible. Let me help you. First, "r u goin to da stor" should be "Are you going to the store?"" See that wasn't so painful, at least not as bad as "Well, there are some good things and some bad things, and overall it sucks." If there is a breakdown in this step, then a conflict arises, and it is time to read on to step 2.
2) (And I think Chris demonstrated this nicely) Do what needs to be done to understand the problem.
Ignoring it until it goes away may be effective, but it isn't very productive. The next time the situation comes up, you will know what to or what not to do. Also, it will be better for our emotional health if such a thing exists. So when you need to resolve a problem, do what Chris did. First, go to the source, the person you have a greivance against. If that doesn't work, go to someone close to the source and attempt to understand their side of things. Now, the tricky part comes if there can be no communication between sides. In this case, bring the question to a group of friends. Have your own little intervention, and make sure to let everyone know that you are looking for a resolution, not a war. Chris demonstrated this admirably, though some things got quite out of hand with entertainging results.
3) Resolving the situation:
Once you understand the problem, you have to decide whether you were at fault and need to apologize. Unless you are particularly adept at removing yourself from a situation and judging fairly, this step will take some deep thought. Talk to a trusted friend. If you find that you aren't at fault, then the decision to apologize is up to you. If you don't mind sacrificing your integrity in exchangge for a resolution, then go ahead. Otherwise, good luck convincing the other party that in fact, only they were in the wrong. Haha. If you were wrong, suck it up, and say sorry. Scratch that. Say, "I apologise will you forgive me." And don't apologise on the contingent that they apologise as well. If they don't think they were wrong, suck it up, confess you were wrong, and just know that you are better than they are. Hopefully, there is understanding to be found all around.
4) Live on.
So you either made up, you are bitter enemies, or you have agreed to disagree. Good for you. You have a resolution. I never said it would be a great one. The key is, you know where you stand, and perhaps something will come into the picture in the future that changes that, but for now, stop worrying about it. There is not much more to do. Play it cool, and stay in school.
So. That might not be the best advice in the world, but that is what I believe and live by. And I am glad to have an excuse to promote better understanding in the world.
So good luck, hang loose, peace out,
Steven M. E.
A very wise woman once asked a group of teenagers, "What is the most important thing in a relationship?" Answers included trust, love, caring, dedication, and other amiguous emtional whatever. The most important thing in a relationship is COMMUNICATION. Love is unimportant in a relationship if you do not communicate that love. So, with this in mind, I would like to come to my point: Chris isn't stupid. He understands English. He can carry on a conversation. He would understand what Sara meant if she had said, "Chris, I do not want to continue in this relationship. I have been with you for a year, and I have decided that I would like to see other people (or I cannot continue having a relationship with you while you are in Norman and I am in Edmond... or I do not want to grow up, marry you, and have to be shadowed by your brilliance.... or I realized that you are weird and you smell funny... whatever drove her to break it off). So since Chris obviously did not catch this drift, one can assume that indeed Sara did not say these words or anything so obvious. So after a not-so-explicit exchange, Chris is dumbfounded when Sara hangs up on him and he learns from a third source that his strong, meaningul relationship ended last weekend.
So, people. The lesson:
1) Have enough confidence in yourself and respect for others to say what you mean in the most explicit terms possible.
This step is preemptive. If you follow this, there is no muddle, no misunderstanding, and *hopefully* no conflict. This does not mean you have to be harsh, but just don't be vague. "Your ideas are profound, but your grammar is terrible. Let me help you. First, "r u goin to da stor" should be "Are you going to the store?"" See that wasn't so painful, at least not as bad as "Well, there are some good things and some bad things, and overall it sucks." If there is a breakdown in this step, then a conflict arises, and it is time to read on to step 2.
2) (And I think Chris demonstrated this nicely) Do what needs to be done to understand the problem.
Ignoring it until it goes away may be effective, but it isn't very productive. The next time the situation comes up, you will know what to or what not to do. Also, it will be better for our emotional health if such a thing exists. So when you need to resolve a problem, do what Chris did. First, go to the source, the person you have a greivance against. If that doesn't work, go to someone close to the source and attempt to understand their side of things. Now, the tricky part comes if there can be no communication between sides. In this case, bring the question to a group of friends. Have your own little intervention, and make sure to let everyone know that you are looking for a resolution, not a war. Chris demonstrated this admirably, though some things got quite out of hand with entertainging results.
3) Resolving the situation:
Once you understand the problem, you have to decide whether you were at fault and need to apologize. Unless you are particularly adept at removing yourself from a situation and judging fairly, this step will take some deep thought. Talk to a trusted friend. If you find that you aren't at fault, then the decision to apologize is up to you. If you don't mind sacrificing your integrity in exchangge for a resolution, then go ahead. Otherwise, good luck convincing the other party that in fact, only they were in the wrong. Haha. If you were wrong, suck it up, and say sorry. Scratch that. Say, "I apologise will you forgive me." And don't apologise on the contingent that they apologise as well. If they don't think they were wrong, suck it up, confess you were wrong, and just know that you are better than they are. Hopefully, there is understanding to be found all around.
4) Live on.
So you either made up, you are bitter enemies, or you have agreed to disagree. Good for you. You have a resolution. I never said it would be a great one. The key is, you know where you stand, and perhaps something will come into the picture in the future that changes that, but for now, stop worrying about it. There is not much more to do. Play it cool, and stay in school.
So. That might not be the best advice in the world, but that is what I believe and live by. And I am glad to have an excuse to promote better understanding in the world.
So good luck, hang loose, peace out,
Steven M. E.
posted by tidalplateau at 12:48 PM
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