Update, not downdate

So here's what has been going on with me for the past very long span of time.
1) School is crazy, especially after missing a week, but hopefully I can catch up by the time Spring break is over.
2) Oh yeah! I am on spring break! I have so much work I should be doing, but instead I am updating this.
3) Lambda Chi Alpha is GREAT! I was elected Secretary, so I get to stay in the house next year (only officers stay in the houses). Woo Hoo!
4) Did I say school is crazy?
5) All of my friends at Vandy are fantastic! They are so supportive and great.

That's all I know.

Steven M. E.

Because I think nothing gets cleared up properly

OK. Three or four weeks ago, everyone knows that Chris's girlfriend Sara (or Sarah or whatever it isn't important) broke up with him. Now there are all sorts of rumors about why this and did you know that, and I really don't care. Now, know that Chris was dumped by the love of his life. And also know that Chris found out that he had been dumped three days later, and not from Sara. His response to this was not accusatory, but thoughtful. He reacted in a very adult manner (unlike some of Chris's and Sara's friends, though the commentary was quite entertaining, and as for my own contribution, I found it liberating to degrade the girlfriend's writing style (yes, I know, *gasp*, way below the belt). ) The one flaw in Chris's actions is him not discussing his greivances with Sara directly, but there were indeed stories about unanswered phone calls that may explain this. I can only hope that he explored this pathway of communication completely before bringing his arument into the public forum. In this case, I believe his public expression was quite appropriate, since this was apparently the only way he could bring his views to the table and finally come to a resolution with Sara. SO. After the verbal abuse and a measured amount of whiny dramatic reactionary statements, everything has been worked out. The story has come to a close and we all move on.

A very wise woman once asked a group of teenagers, "What is the most important thing in a relationship?" Answers included trust, love, caring, dedication, and other amiguous emtional whatever. The most important thing in a relationship is COMMUNICATION. Love is unimportant in a relationship if you do not communicate that love. So, with this in mind, I would like to come to my point: Chris isn't stupid. He understands English. He can carry on a conversation. He would understand what Sara meant if she had said, "Chris, I do not want to continue in this relationship. I have been with you for a year, and I have decided that I would like to see other people (or I cannot continue having a relationship with you while you are in Norman and I am in Edmond... or I do not want to grow up, marry you, and have to be shadowed by your brilliance.... or I realized that you are weird and you smell funny... whatever drove her to break it off). So since Chris obviously did not catch this drift, one can assume that indeed Sara did not say these words or anything so obvious. So after a not-so-explicit exchange, Chris is dumbfounded when Sara hangs up on him and he learns from a third source that his strong, meaningul relationship ended last weekend.

So, people. The lesson:

1) Have enough confidence in yourself and respect for others to say what you mean in the most explicit terms possible.
This step is preemptive. If you follow this, there is no muddle, no misunderstanding, and *hopefully* no conflict. This does not mean you have to be harsh, but just don't be vague. "Your ideas are profound, but your grammar is terrible. Let me help you. First, "r u goin to da stor" should be "Are you going to the store?"" See that wasn't so painful, at least not as bad as "Well, there are some good things and some bad things, and overall it sucks." If there is a breakdown in this step, then a conflict arises, and it is time to read on to step 2.

2) (And I think Chris demonstrated this nicely) Do what needs to be done to understand the problem.
Ignoring it until it goes away may be effective, but it isn't very productive. The next time the situation comes up, you will know what to or what not to do. Also, it will be better for our emotional health if such a thing exists. So when you need to resolve a problem, do what Chris did. First, go to the source, the person you have a greivance against. If that doesn't work, go to someone close to the source and attempt to understand their side of things. Now, the tricky part comes if there can be no communication between sides. In this case, bring the question to a group of friends. Have your own little intervention, and make sure to let everyone know that you are looking for a resolution, not a war. Chris demonstrated this admirably, though some things got quite out of hand with entertainging results.

3) Resolving the situation:
Once you understand the problem, you have to decide whether you were at fault and need to apologize. Unless you are particularly adept at removing yourself from a situation and judging fairly, this step will take some deep thought. Talk to a trusted friend. If you find that you aren't at fault, then the decision to apologize is up to you. If you don't mind sacrificing your integrity in exchangge for a resolution, then go ahead. Otherwise, good luck convincing the other party that in fact, only they were in the wrong. Haha. If you were wrong, suck it up, and say sorry. Scratch that. Say, "I apologise will you forgive me." And don't apologise on the contingent that they apologise as well. If they don't think they were wrong, suck it up, confess you were wrong, and just know that you are better than they are. Hopefully, there is understanding to be found all around.

4) Live on.
So you either made up, you are bitter enemies, or you have agreed to disagree. Good for you. You have a resolution. I never said it would be a great one. The key is, you know where you stand, and perhaps something will come into the picture in the future that changes that, but for now, stop worrying about it. There is not much more to do. Play it cool, and stay in school.

So. That might not be the best advice in the world, but that is what I believe and live by. And I am glad to have an excuse to promote better understanding in the world.

So good luck, hang loose, peace out,

Steven M. E.

The post that needs to be posted

I actually wrote this two weeks ago, but I didn't get around to posting till now.
Two weeks ago, Saturday at 8pm, my mom passed from this life into the next. I know that this may come as a surprise, because I do not mention Mom's illness very often, and the last 6 months, she has had many ups and downs, so I never thought it necessary to update you every time something changed.

Mom's story is long, and it is documented in another post somewhere in the archives, but this is the story about the end of her beautiful life. Two Fridays ago, I received a call from Mom. She was driving home from the hospital. The last two nights, she was receiving blood and having tests performed. When she was checked in, she was tired and unintelligible, all due to the lack of platelets and fresh blood cells in her blood stream. While she was in the hospital, she had a CT scan of her body which showed that the cancer had grown despite the latest round of chemotherapy. It seemed that the chemo was killing her blood and her body without affecting the cancer. She and the doctor decided to quit treatment and let the disease run its course while she spent the rest of her life in comfort, without the effects of chemo. Mom's voice was strong and joking, and I never expected the end to come so soon after I said I love you and hung up the phone.

Last Tuesday, the disease began to take hold, and Mom became more tired. Thursday, Dad called and asked if I would like to come home to see her, stating her worsened condition and the fact that he had called hospice in to care or her. I agreed. Friday evening, I spent some time with Mom. By that time, she was unresponsive, but she could see and hear me. Saturday, I was able to spend more time with her and family and friends. That evening, her breathing became labored, and the nurse told us that the end was near. Dad, Robert and I were able to say goodbye, and we prayed together. Mom's sister and her family as well as my grandparents were also able to say goodbye and pray with us. Not long after that, Mom took her last breath and was welcomed into heaven.

This has been one of the hardest weeks in my life. I do not know what I would do without my family and my friends. I thank everyone for their prayers and support, through Mom's illness, and now for my family. I know that I will need some time to process by myself, but I also know that whenever I am ready, you will be there with open arms and an open ear.

There are many things to think about when you lose someone you love. Mom truly believed that she would live for 30 more years, and so did most everybody that knew her. As a result, she left many things undone. She was planning a vacation for our family, she intended to go back to school and teach math, she was going to finish organizing her photo albums, and she was going to guide Robert through high school. But she also accomplished more than most do in a single lifetime. This past 10 years, she was able to give her time to the community, through the YMCA, the YWCA, the United Way, and our Church. She loved God, and she brought a great many people closer to Him through her story and her example. She helped me make the most important decision of my life (going to Vandy), and she was able to show Robert his true potential, empowering him to do his best. One friend said that if healthy people could live their lives with the same conviction and spirit that Mom had every day, then the world would be a better place, and I believe her. Before this summer, few people knew that Mom was ill, despite the fact that her last 4 years were spent with tumors throughout her liver.

This event has taught me how precious this last 10 years has been, and how blessed my family has been. Mom's fight has been long, and sometimes painful, but throughout it all, she remained optimistic, courageous, intelligent, and as strong willed as ever. This is the way I will always remember her. I know that few of you really had a chance to visit with my mother, but she was my best friend, my protector, my guide, and my foundation. But I will not say that I do not know what I will do without her. I know that I will do what I have to do—what I have always done, and what Mom has taught me to do—persevere.

Mom and I spent a lot of time together this past year, searching for colleges, and in past years on trips to Disneyworld and Hawaii. However, the moments I remember most vividly are the times spent in front of the TV watching Wheel of Fortune, or cracking jokes during family dinners. Mom was always smiling and laughing, with a spirit as vibrant as her many fuchsia Mickey shirts. This is how I will always remember her.

I am not usually one to do this, but I would like to share some things that helped me through this difficult time these past couple days.

These verses have been hanging on our wall for many years, but God has presented them to me anew.

11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD , "and will bring you back from captivity. [b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD , "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Mom has found God, and he has brought her to him.

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9

Mom is now at peace—God's peace that transcends all understanding.

The night Mom left us, our pastor came and told us the beginning of the story of Job. After losing all of his property, servants, and family, Job told his servant:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart. [c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
Job 1:21

The people die just as people are born, and God is to be blessed for the life that we have shared and the lives that He creates.

The last three verses of Amazing Grace by John Newton:
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,And mortal life shall cease,I shall possess, within the veil,A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,The sun forbear to shine;But God, Who called me here below,Shall be forever mine.
When we’ve been there ten thousand years,Bright shining as the sun,We’ve no less days to sing God’s praiseThan when we’d first begun.

A story from hospice:
Gone from My SightI am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my sidespreads her white sails to the morning breeze andstarts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beautyand strength. I stand and watch her until at lengthshe hangs like a speck of white cloud just wherethe sea and sky come to mingle with each other.Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!""Gone where?"Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large inmast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side andshe is just as able to bear her load of living freight to herdestined port.Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at themoment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voicesready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"And that is dying.

And a story that we learned in French which Mme. Tippin helped me remember.
There was a mother who had a son, and as she roked him in her arms, she said:
Je t'aimerai toujours,
La nuit comme les jours,
et tant que je vivrai,
Tu sera ma bebe.

which means:
I'll love you forever
The night like the day
and as long as you I live
You will be my baby.

Then, as the son grew up, the mother would sneak into his room, put her hand on his head, and repeat the rhyme.
When the son moved away, the mother would awaken at night, and drive to her son's house, kneel by his bed, and again say these words.
One day, when the mother was very old, and she could not go to see her son, he came to her, sat by her bed, and said,

Je t'aimerai toujours,
La nuit comme les jours,
et tant que je vivrai,
Ton bebe je serai

I'll love you forever,
The night like the day,
And as ling as I live,
I will be your baby.

Thanks guys for all of your support, cards, hugs, and understanding. I love you all and I am lucky to have friends like you.

Sincerely,

Steven M. E.